History and the Snorkak
by Ickle Penguin
Summary: [gen, cannonish] Professor Binns and students that reply in falsetto.


History and the Snorkak

By: Ickle Penguin

Authors Note: I wanted to have some fun with 'minor characters' and I think Professor Binns is the most minor. All characters unfamiliar are only briefly mentioned in the book. And I'm pretty sure; I screwed up a little on timeframes. 'Akthar' is a made up name for Mr. Patil and I'm referring to Gregory Goyle Senior. Anyway, this is my first Harry Potter fanfiction, please enjoy. :P concrit/reveiws are loved. -wink wink nudge nudge-

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Professor Binns pushed his round spectacles towards the bridge of his nose so he had a better view of the once-blurred classroom. His hand (which was not as strong as it used to be) took the ruler and slammed it on the desk as a cry for attention. James Potter awoke with a jolt, and screamed something along the lines of: 'I did the laundry, I swear!' The class gave a roar of laughter; all except for Lily Evans who was expecting the reaction.

Save for the bit of the laundry. Which, Sirius notably remarked that James' socks were a little discolored. Peter made a remark on 'the putrid stench erupting from James' trousers'. And, a sleepy Remus who ushered them to 'shut it' did not conclude their silence.

James instead of being offended by the jeering joined in, making lude comments about muggle-bleach. Professor Binns was forced to slam the ruler down again, with a huff. No one except for Xeno Lovegood – who had been reading, 'Snorkaks in African Art' – took notice of Binn's exasperated expression.

"Careful sir, this job looks like it's taking the life out of you." He absently sung in falsetto, afterwards asking if Snorkaks were mentioned in Wizarding History. He truly did believe the wheezing Nargles ought to have helped won the battle of 1753.

And before realizing, the class noted it was time for other classes and scurried of to their rituals. Professor Binns walked into his office, and checked a few papers (without bothering to fully read them – three of which looked suspiciously similar to Remus Lupin's) until it was time for his next class as he heard students enter what was an empty classroom.

He entered only to find Frank Longbottom and Lucius Malfoy in a heated row about the principles of pureblood rights. This then lead to a non-curricular discussion of pureblood atrocities, benefits and so on in Britain. Half the class was notably asleep while Lucius and Frank glared daggers at each other.

Alice and Narcissa both gave an exasperated sigh. And then it was time for lunch, the students rushed out of the room as Binns lazily followed. He did double back and re-enter the classroom to check on another student, Gregory Goyle who still remained asleep. Professor Binns was glad he enjoyed the lecture.

The great hall was crammed with excitement when Professor Dumbledore announced that they had an extra hour for Hogsmead the next month. Professor Binns however was not listening and asked Professor Grubbly-Plank what a Snorkak was. She was utterly confused. After the Great Hall, he made his way up back his classroom to check his schedule only to find: Gregory Goyle still asleep and he only had one class later in the afternoon. He decided against waking Goyle and instead went down to the dungeons and asked Horace Slughorn if he was busy. Horace smiled, and they had a little chat on vacations, retirement and contemporary art until Horace's class came.

He went back upstairs and decided to give a friendly letter to Bathilda Bagshot, asking mildly about any new findings, the battle of 1753 and if there was any other 'aid' in said battle. He finished the letter with his rather loopy signature and gave it to an owl looking as bland and old as he was. He taught the next class about The International Warlock Convention of 1289 wherein Dirk Cresswell impatiently (and rudely) asked when he would be finished. He replied rolling his eyes, "Very soon Mr. Cresswell. Now if you will turn to page four-three-six of your history textbooks--,"

Amos Diggory rolled his eyes, continued shining his prefect badge and stopped in the middle when he asked: "Professor, not to be rude or anything – but why is Goyle attending the class?" Goyle could only reply with a muffled snore.

Professor Binns who looked thoroughly surprised he left the student there did not continue on with his lecture, and gave Goyle a hard 'tap' on the shoulder. Goyle looked up, raised a brow and muttered: "m'sorry professor' din't get a 'ink o' sleep las' night"

"Sorry to bother mate," said Barty Crouch junior, eyeing the schedule and class list. "Your class ended six hours ago."

"Merlin's bloody mustache!" Goyle yelled, and sped out of the classroom. Arthur Weasley added that to his list of potential swear words, as he wrote with the muggle invention the 'pencil'. Molly Prewett gave him a lecture on the 'contraption'. Arthur loved her ever since.

The class had ended and his discussion was left unfinished. He went back to his office and finished up some paperwork. Professor Binns was checking papers, giving marks and correcting Rodolphus Lestrange's misspellings of the word 'tundra'. He decided to walk upstairs using the forever changing staircases to get to his room. Professor Binns was more worn out then usual, so he easily drifted to sleep.

The next day, Professor Binns had woken up with a start – the school was nosier than usual. This upset him a bit; he wanted to be woken to silence instead of student's aimless chatter. He stood up, and sloppily got dressed as he headed to the great hall. He arrived only to find students talking in hushed whispers, accompanied by a sobbing Trelawny, a saddened McGonagall and a guilty looking Goyle.

Somehow he couldn't get anyone's attention, so he sighed – decided to skip breakfast and rush up to his classroom to prepare himself for the first class of the day. He decided to continue his lecture on The International Warlock Convention of 1289 only he couldn't quite recall what class he told it to. He went into his office to fetch his lesson plan and pick up the graded essays. Tripping over one with smeared ink and belonged to someone called 'Petri Potgrow' (he would certainly reprimand this Potgrow and tell him to change his brand of ink).

He pulled upon the classroom door with much difficulty, placing the essays on the table, he turned to ask the class who Potgrow was before Lily Evans screamed and the rest of the class looked horrified. James Potter stopped before blowing a spit wad into Severus Snape's ear. Sirius Black, like James' socks, was now discoloured and looking very pale. Remus Lupin cursed in Gobbledegook and Peter dropped the quaffle he was holding (nicked from the quidditch field, he said proudly before Lupin sniggered and motioned that Madame Hooch would be cross).

Taken back, Professor Binns backed and asked them: "What on earth is wrong?" "Just in case you haven't noticed sir, you're half transparent." Akthar Patil, his expression was mix of shock and dubious. Professor Binns looked at his arm, which was indeed a sullen shade of pearl-white. Without realizing, Cuthbert Binns had walked into first period, very much dead. He was wide-eyed and had a dazed expression. Living to the age of a hundred and one was not so much an achievement in the Wizarding World as it would've been if he was a muggle. But not noticing his' own death was an oddity on its own.

"Sir, you look like you've seen a Nargle in duel with a sheepish Snorkak," remarked Xeno Lovegood in falsetto.

_Fin_


End file.
